You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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