Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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