You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize