I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
