Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
