i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
