eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
