What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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