Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
