So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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