After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
