she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
