cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
