I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize