i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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