I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
