I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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