just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Come on in and take your pants off
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