you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
