R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
