pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize