when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
