His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Blood and glitter go together right?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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