Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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