I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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