I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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