you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
