You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
