how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Green mimosas i think yes
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
