i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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