I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
