The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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