So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
