John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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