If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
