Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
