My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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