I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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