i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize