That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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