but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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