I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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