Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
