this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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