why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
