Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I am one with the molecules
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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