I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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