can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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