So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
