maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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