My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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