That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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