omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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