It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
