im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize