i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
