my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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