My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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