At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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