He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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