Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
