So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I am midnight drunk by noon
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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