Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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