On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
