Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
