Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
