They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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