you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
