it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
