We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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