I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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